Re: The Wake-Up

Just Jenn wrote, "but it makes you think: if today is my last day on this earth, what would i leave behind? what unanswered questions would i leave? do the people in my life know how much they mean to me? what will happen to bert and ernie? did i really live the life i wanted?"

Geez, she nailed that one. I have to admit, since I've re-entered grad school, I feel as if life went back on hold again. School is such a selfish discipline. It's all about me and my learning. The funny part is, well, good learning is about being so personally meaningful. Yet ... if I were to die tomorrow, I'm not so sure this was the life I really wanted. It's really the life I'm still building towards.

I mean, I'm not even married anymore (the marriage separation agreement was filed last week). I don't have any kids. (I do have a dog and a fish.) I'm going to be 31-years-old next month. I workout very little (about 3x a week). I won't be doing any triathlons as long as I am taking courses. I hardly drink beer anymore. I never go out to the bars. Nearly every dinner is take-out, drive-thru, or delivery. Breakfast is All-Bran cereal w/fresh fruit (thank goodness something is balanced)! But really ... what kind of "life" do I live?

Yet, I don't exactly hate it. It's very constrained, very structured; something always needs to be done. It can be overwhelming, but I often feel that it is easier to ride along in it like a boat without paddles on a river. I may be heading straight over the waterfall to my death, but I almost don't care because the boat feels so safe all along the way.

School is like that. It feels so safe, but has all of these ridiculous self-inflicted, razor-wire constraints. Yet--I love knowing what avenues will open to me once the doctorate is complete. I live today for a better tomorrow.

If today was my last day on this earth, what would I have left behind?

• I would leave behind my beloved steel bike, Amelia, and her delightful new, aero rims which are still waiting in the box, begging to be unwrapped.
• I would leave behind a desk of papers, books, articles, unfinished assignments, about 6 papers, and a pre-lim exam, all waiting to be completed.
• I would leave behind a lot of furniture.
• I would leave behind a graduate assistantship that needs me, a job that I loved.
• I would leave behind an unfinished marriage/divorce.

What unanswered questions would I leave?

• Did she ever find love again?
• Would she ever consider getting married again?
  
• Why does she never call?
• What was she thinking when she bought that duvet cover?
  

Do the people in my life know how much they mean to me?
I assume they do. But you know what they say, "When you assume, it makes an Ass out of U and Me."

• Grandma, Granddad, Mom, Dad, Diana & Chat - Important family. I love them. They know even if I don't call or write nearly enough.
• Jenn, Berta, Paca, Jon, Sam, Rob - my friends in Chico. They know, but the distance and my lack of time degrades the relationships. It's tough and saddens me to no end. Twitter has helped keep in touch at least.

What will happen to Calen and Splash?

• Probably roommate foster care. Or Mom would take them. No way would my Ex-to-be be allowed to have them.
  

Did I really live the life I wanted?

• Yes and no. I don't think I would have done it any differently, but I do always hope and plan for a tomorrow. There's still so much I want to experience. After all, I live today for a better tomorrow.