A Digital Story Life

I’m reading about Digital Storytelling for my Multimedia Cognition course. It’s very interesting. It reminds me of the scriptwriting courses that I enrolled in (twice) at Chico State. The first time I signed up for the class, I took it from Fred Thorne and was enthralled by his dramatic approach to everything. He would vigorously pace at the front of class, raise his right arm in an old man’s fist shake, and in a deeply passionate voice bellow, “See it–write it! It’s in your mind’s eye!”


The mind’s eye has often been the key to my own self-growth. A scant 20 years of age, but embittered by the loss of fertility due to uterine fibroids a year before, I was delighted to finally get a chance to use and verbalize my overactive “mind’s eye.” It was in that class–of all the Technical Writing courses I had to endure–that I was given the freedom to be creative. No, that’s not correct. I was allowed to be creative and expressive, yet with a directed purpose.

I crafted Public Service Announcements against smoking and for supporting yearly OB-GYN exams. I crafted advertising for radio and television; I created a product jingle that would go on to win my classroom competition. I completed the semester with a full feature-length film script about a fireman who loses everything except his will to overcome the odds. It was cathartic.

During my second go-round in the course, I had Barbara Meldon–a tough, but admirable woman. I learned the finer art of subtlety and humor from her. One thing I remember in particular is that not all topics can be made humorous. For example, rape, incest, and suicide are never (generally) funny, although Wes Anderson tries and succeeds to some degree (with The Royal Tenenbaums). It’s Russian Roulette for the writer. It may hit, it may miss, but I’m not sure which one of those two choices I’d really want.

What would my digital story be? … it could be anything.

It could be anything …

… even –*gasp*– triathlon related. Now, how cool would that be?

Directions aren’t always found online.

After Garrett’s passing, there’s been a lot of personal reflection between folks and old friends. A long-time-ago-high-school contact wrote to me and it struck a chord. He feels directionless. More interestingly, he isn’t alone. I received several other emails from people, all of us expressing a certain amount of confusion over where we are in life, where we should be, and what we’re doing with the time that we have. I’ve responded as saying:

You said, “I feel I am lost in life and I really don’t know what I am doing and I don’t even know what I want to do with my life.“

I think we all feel that way at many, many times in our lives. Even people who “have it all” suffer in other ways. I mean, look at me. Everybody always thinks I’ve really got the perfect life: I’m married 7 years, have been Faculty at Chico State, won an award for best online courses, am popular, professionally successful, even “pretty,” and now I’m on a full-ride Ph.D. at Virginia Tech. I’m an amateur triathlete. I have lots of friends and a supportive family.

If you were to look behind the curtain, the truth is very different. My marriage was a failure (to us both). The divorce process has been ugly. My resulting financial situation is AWFUL (he left me with all of the debt). I don’t have many friends I can really trust and I have even less friends here in Virginia. Because I work two jobs and study all of the time, I’m not in good contact with my old friends, and often I feel isolated and very, very lonely. I often ask myself, “What is the point of it all? What am I doing with my life? What is my purpose?”

And there’s more days than I can count where I cry myself to sleep at night and feel like my life is cruel, hard, meaningless, and has no purpose. I’m not miserable enough to die or end my life, but I often wonder, “Would anyone notice if I just disappeared? Would anyone care?”

I think that at our age, it’s common to feel directionless. This is especially true when someone (young) we know passes away. There a sort of confusion about who we are, what we want to be, and how do we get there? We are coming out of our late-20’s, a second adolescence of our now-ending young adulthood and the opportunities appear somewhat limited. We want to have fun, but have nice cars and houses and jobs that we love. I’m not entirely sure we’ll ever have all of those things. I’m starting to think that we need to pick one, maybe two, of those desires and make them the priority by which to live our life … perhaps in that we will find the happiness (or at least satisfaction) for which we are searching. I have chosen to desire a job that I love, and to have fun. The car and the house and the status and the … whatever … it doesn’t matter as much to me.

So, don’t worry too much about feeling directionless. It’s a waste of energy. Instead, put those concerns towards creating your opportunities. A purpose will find you. The trick is that you have to have your eyes open to it when it comes by. And when it does come by, you have to act upon it, especially if it means leaving your comfort behind. Don’t deliberate for too long! We only change when we put ourselves in situations that allow us to change. The choice to do or not to do is always yours.

But, that’s just my two-cents’ worth.

To move forward, you have to look back.

I ran across my past this morning. Let me explain.

I’ve been a pretty good workout bunny, all things considered. Although I have the fear of Collegiate Nationals to keep me in line, the whole wonderment, the passion, the lust for “all things Tri” seems to be absent. My daily life is consumed with all other necessary functions.

But, it was this past blog post in conjunction with a recent research paper that reminded me that I can control those external contingencies to some extent. I can define and make my own habits. I did it once before, I can do it again:

Reflecting on My Own Rediscovery
I wrote this for a particular friend of mine whom I think feels the societal pains of our triathlon journey more than the rest of us. She’s a bigger gal, but I never really thought of her that way. But I know that she thinks of herself that way.

It may be because being a “big girl” is something I’m all too familiar with, too. I’ve always been the “bigger one” growing up. But I’ve never really felt awkward or alone in this aspect.

The way I see it, I’m bigger, but I’m also active, funny, humble, and if any skinny people give me shit, well, I can sit on them. (Really, just kidding. I love all kinds of folks.)

But I understand the desire to prove others wrong when it comes to your size. People really do seem to think that fat people are fat because they are lazy. Therefore, when you are a “fit but fat” person, you know you’re not lazy. And so you spend too much time trying to combat the ingrained myth. And if you were ever skinny or thin at one time, it seems to be even worse because you’re consciously afraid to become that which you have unconsciously shunned. I can say this because proving oneself used to be what I was about because I always fought my “bigger self” until two years ago.

I used to think I was fat at 130 lbs. I skipped meals, leaving me too tired to work out. I worked 2-3 jobs at a time going to school, leaving me no time to exercise.

I was unhappy with not working out and with gaining weight, but I didn’t really want to face my reality either. Something had to change, just as long as it wasn’t me! Strapped for cash, strapped for time, strapped for energy, I was stuck. I was steadily becoming strapped for a life.

Then, I did a fun thing. I took an easy last semester, got a new job, and I got a dog. I don’t even remember how or when it exactly started, but I realized that I loved taking Calen for long walks, then runs, then hikes, then cross-country runs. And I loved every minute of it.

And as work picked up, I became aware that it was a job that was beginning to suck the life out of me again, leaving me without energy to live. And I really missed dancing, or just being active and getting outside. And so I began looking for another job, and started scheduling workout times as if they were as important as doctor appointments. I was sure to schedule activities that I even liked. And I no longer adjusted my workout days and times to accomodate others. And after four months, I no longer felt like I had to apologize or make excuses to my friends or family when I’d choose to work out instead of going out.

And now, some of my friends have even said, “Wow. I’m so impressed with your dedication and motivation to workout on your own.” Trust me, sistah. It wasn’t always this way.

So for the last two years, I’ve been hiking and mountain biking with my puppers, and am a masterly mad stepper at my gym. And I’m still looking for new challenges in exercise. I think this triathlon just might be my ticket …

I think this triathlon-thang can and will still be my ticket. I have faith.

Triathlon questions for my research! Help me out and answer!

Hey fellow Triathletes,

I’m writing a paper for my Educational Philosophy and Technology course and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions and if you’d write me back ASAP so that I could cite you in my paper (as anecdoctal/personal communication)? This paper is not being published and it’s nothing formal. I just wanted to put a more personal touch into my research topic.

My paper is titled, “Refining the Body: Technology in multisport (triathlon) athletics”. Viewed from a John Deweyan perspective, I have a few legs of research in particular I’m covering: triathlete habits/identity (inside and outside of the community), desires, and technologies (diet/nutrition, exercise/training, legal “drugs” (like creatine), illegal drugs (doping), physical equipment/gear).

Please respond either via email or by posting your answers below (it will be public, remember). If possible, I’d love to have the answers ASAP, and preferably by 8 PM tonight …

– THANK YOU! –

Here are my questions. (You can answer all or only some of the questions. Be as long or brief in your answers as you’d like.)

Habits / Identity

1. Describe who you were before participating in triathlons.
   
   
   
   1. Describe how you generally felt about yourself and your life at that time.
   
   
   2. Why do you think that was the case?


2. Describe yourself now.
   
   
   
   1. Did you define yourself as a triathlete?
      
      
      
      1. Why or why not?
   
   
   2. How long have you been a multisport athlete or triathlete?
   
   
   3. What did you have to do/experience to transition between who you were before triathlons to who you are now?


3. What effects, if any, has multisport athletics had on you?


4. Describe the 3 most important ways triathlons have changed or modified you (can be about you, your environment, your habits, your social circle(s), etc.)


5. Describe the role that the multisport community plays in your training? (Workout buddies, moral support, etc.)


6. What are the 3 most useful things that you simply hate to train or race without? (I’m asking about the little “extras” like a special pair of socks, or your HRM, for example.)


7. Describe your typical race morning, being sure to include any habits or superstitions that may arise.


8. Are you currently training for at least two of the three sports?
   
   
   
   1. Why or why not?


9. Which segment (swim, bike, run) of the sport do you enjoy the most?

Desires

1. What are your triathlon goals for next season?


2. How do you assess your progress? (Do you compare yourself via rankings, using personal best/records, other?)


3. Describe the ideal triathlete.


4. If you have one, who is your multisport hero?

Technologies

1. What technologies do you use as part of triathlon training or racing?


2. You keep a blog as part of the Trifuel Triathlete community. Explain why and what role blogging plays for you as part of the multisport world.


3. Do you monitor your nutrition/diet?
   
   
   
   1. Briefly describe how (i.e., South Beach, following Carmichael’s plan, reduced/increased calories, etc.)


4. How many hours …
   
   
   
   1. per day do you train?
   
   
   2. per week do you train …
      
      
      
      1. on average?
      2. during peak?
      3. during off-season?


5. Have you ever taken or used any vitamins, supplements, or other legal replenishers/enhancers/reducers as part of multisport training or racing?
   
   
   
   1. Why or why not?
   2. Did you perceive it as working?


6. What technologies would you never consider using as part of your multisport training/racing?


7. What are the 3 most valuable technologies in your opinion?


8. What is your attitude towards the equipment/gear used in triathlons?


9. What are the 3 most important equipment/gear purchases you’ve made for the sport?

Other comments or additional information:

–

Thanks,

Amber D. Evans

I’m a (cognitive) guinea pig. [Day 2]

Just joining in? Be sure to understand what I’m doing as part of the “Embodied Technology change process.”

In a nutshell, Blackwell would have me do the following today:

Morning
Create your trigger. “Find something in your regular environment that happens a dozen to two dozen times a day. Maybe it’s a certain doorway you pass through, or a cell phone, or a color, or whatever works for you. Each time it happens, try to focus your attention and notice that you are noticing. This is the process of setting a trigger. Try a couple out until you find the one that works for you, and then pick it.”

Attention
Try to notice what it is I pay attention to. What do I see or hear? What “grabs” my attention at certain times? What do I notice? Write these things down in a journal or notepad or something.

Evening
Modeled after the Iroquois Thansgiving Address, we’re learning a cultural technology to build a sense of gratitude for all the things in the world. “The first element is people. Who are you grateful for in your life?” Write down the list here or in your journal or notepad or whatever.

My answers are …

What in the world do I do 12-24 times a day? I could easily think of 3 things I wished I did that many times a day, but alas, since they do not actually happen I cannot use them. What then? I decided upon everytime I thought about a friend or family member. Yes, this would be my trigger. Strangely enough, I think of friends and family all day long despite what many of them might think (due to my poor record of emailing or calling). It’s true, though. I think about some friend or another at least that many times a day. With trigger in mind, I made myself aware of it every time it happened.

As for attention, all I can say is that I’m highly acute to dramatic changes in sound and smell. I spend most of my day staring at the computer screen or with my nose buried in a book so that all I visually notice are … words. Anytime I heard a bird, lawnmower, chainsaw, car horn, or dog barking, I looked out the window adjacent to my desk. Whenever I heard people’s voices in conversation as they walked by, I listened, but did not turn to look. And when I finally got to go outside and rejoin the human race, I noticed runners and cyclists everywhere. (I always notice runners and cyclists, though. I always wonder if I might know them from somewhere …) I also noticed that it was a beautiful, cool, and pleasant evening.

Who am I thankful for? I’m thankful for different folks for different reasons. They essentially fall into one of three categories: Family, Friends, and people who have made an impact upon me (irregardless of good or bad). My family members are: Mom, Dad, Diana, Grandma, Granddad. Then followed by my (many) friends: Florin, Jon, Paca, Sam, Berta, Athena, Aaron, Luke, Beej, Rob, Jenn, Lorraine, Richard, Nate, Worrel, Brent, Chuy, Leslie, Raffi, Elbert, Cole, Iwe, Tiina, Laura, Claudine, Shannon, Ava, Brian, Corey, Melissa, Emily, Kevin, Lynn, Marisa, Nicholas, Mr. Somma, and many more … I’m also thankful for those “others” that cannot be easily defined in any way: Joshua, Krok, Kephart, Micki, Jessica, Lisa, Jillian, Roussell, Welsh, Mike, “Vollenda”, “BBB”, “Kylie”, and “Eric” … just to start with.

The (non-)training plan.

Okay-dokie! So things in the world of my off-season and triathlon planning haven’t exactly been up to par. The last time I did anything counting as physical exercise and activity would have been … um … last Friday? Of course, that’s if you’ll let me count cleaning the house with moderate intensity. Oh, ouch.

Well, that’s okay. Vince Lombardi once said, “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.” Well, I’m up … I’m just not back on–yet.


It’s still going to be a little while before I’m back in the saddle or doing any consistent running plan as far as I can figure. I just don’t have enough money to let me have enough time. I’m still working two jobs at 36 hours a week and going to school full-time. I have to admit that I’m pretty tired and (mentally) exhausted. I wish I was physically exhausted, as well. At least then I’d sleep very soundly. Oh, well.

The good news is that I’m getting closer to seeing an end to the miserable bind. I’m crawling and clawing my way back out of the debt that my pending divorce has left me in. I’ve got a handle on this bull and am going to ride him until he’s done and tired and can no longer threaten me. I’m getting there …

The really good news in all of this is that I’ve really come to know who my friends are and how much my family loves and supports me through this. They’ve been very emotionally helpful and it’s great to know that even from 3,000 miles away I can still feel their love and affection. If only love could pay the bills; I wouldn’t need the greenbacks so badly!

I’m a (cognitive) guinea pig.

This doesn’t have to do with triathlons or training in the “normal sense.” It has everything to do with an experiment that I’ve volunteered myself in part for Michael Blackwell’s class project. We’ve been studying John Dewey and how the world and our perceptions change over time … and how one goes about making those kinds of changes. For the experiment, it goes a little something like this:

The Embodied Technology change process
By Michael J. Stacy Blackwell
Educational Psychology Graduate Assistant
University Honors and Center for Undergraduate Education at Virginia Tech

“Each day, I’ll send an email giving some direction for that day … keeping the activites ‘in mind’ and setting and using a trigger regularly will increase the effectiveness of our process. As in many things, the quality of our attention is more important than the simple sum of it. Our interest, passion, and intensity is what will make a real difference.

And even though some of [the] things we do over the next two weeks won’t always make apparent sense, please trust in the fact that we can alter our perceptual habits and indeed, doing so is one of the principal ways in which we can ‘alter the contingencies’ that shape our behavior” (personal letter, 15 Nov 2006).

“Ehhhhhh … Amber?” you ask, “What does this have to do with triathlons or training?” “Ah … everything,” I reply.


Why do you train? How do you train? Generally speaking, none of us train without making the conscious choice to do so. Now for some of you, you may train because it’s habit. Just follow along with me for a bit on this …

Think about how you first started this whole “tri-thing.” You got the seed of the idea in your head. Then you went about finding out how to germinate that seed into reality. You found a coach or a trainer or a plan online. You joined a gym or recruited buddies or found others like you. You’d set the alarm clock for ridiculously early hours or go running late into the night. You read about nutrition and optimization plans. You took weight measurements, body measurements, VO2max tests, and body fat calculations. You ached and single-handedly supported the pain-killer market. Then one day, it was normal and you haven’t thought much about it since except en route to pushing your self-performance. One day, it became habit. And when you weren’t able to run, bike, or swim, you felt grouchy, annoyed, irritated, and even depressed. You suffered withdrawls …

Once a habit is established, it’s often tough to break. In the case of fitness, that’s probably a good thing for many of us. There is a flip side to it, though. Once in the habit, you may find yourself “zoning out” and “running on autopilot” through a workout session. Did you forget if you had done 2 (or was it 3) sets of sprints? How many times have you experienced a lapse like that? When this begins to happen, it’s because we’ve allowed ourselves to forge a “standard of perceptions” that we no longer consciously acknowledge.

Blackwell’s experiment is meant to be one concerning our everyday existence of awareness … yet I find it easy enough to apply it to a triathlete’s training plan as well. “Who cares?” you say. Let me put it this way: everyone talks about and seems to espouse that an Ironman is 90% mental and 10% physical. Consider this little experiment as part of the mental attribute to success. I think it could and might just help us see something we hadn’t seen before.

Stay tuned …