2007 in Review (the Sad Times)

It hits me occasionally: Nostalgia. Sentimental day-dreaming. A harsh return to reality.

Since I didn't go home this Xmas, it didn't really feel like the Holidays. It feels like a bitingly cold summer.

It's strange to have a New Year in the middle of a cold summer.

I miss home and the way things used to be with my friends and family. I don't miss any of my past romantic relationships, though. I just miss the good times I used to have with Jon, Aaron, Sam, Berta, Jenn, Rob, Paca, Diana, Iwe, Hans, and others. I miss having time to have friends ... and to upkeep friendships. New friends and the ships they are on take so much effort to make, but old ones of any worth do somehow stick around (Thank God!).

I've been having these silly and crazy dreams of moving back home to Chico ... of all places. I don't really miss Chico, but I miss what it represents: family, friends, familiarity, Donut Nook, Bidwell Park, and a more carefree time of my life. I am somehow convinced that even if I did move back, it wouldn't be the same place for me anymore. Besides, what would I do there? The ISDT program appears to be dismantling ...

I've been stuck on thinking about how many people have passed away during the 2007 year. People that I know, or rather, I have known or affected me in some way or another. First, Garrett died, then Chuy. Then there was the VT Shootings at my campus. Dr. John Long, department chair of CDES at Chico State, also expired. I just recently learned that Robert Jordan, author of The Wheel of Time saga, passed away in September. In a way, my own (ex-)husband died; Josh and I began and continued a bitter separation. I feel a little empty and at loss as to how these passings affect me. I am sad, but I move forward. The dichotomy of myself is increasingly pronounced. I am two parts: one stuck in the past, one stridently pressing forth. Returning to school to get a Ph.D. certainly hasn't helped bridge these two halves of my soul.

I can hardly wait until I am done with this Ph.D. and can resume life again. I've no time to process anything except work, workouts, research articles, books, and intellectual pieces. I can see why Doctors of Philosophy are referred to as "living within the Ivory Tower." Academia is yet another world, detached from all the rest of it. Not to say that I miss the insipid news of Celebritywood and the like, but ... surely one can exist in-between? Isn't that where all the other "normal" people reside?

I want to work and be a professional again. I despise being a (grad) student. (Sigh.) It's a life of always feeling inferior and subjects me to the whim of everyone with authority. I look forward to once again being my own authority and vow not to subject someone else to "my authority." I'm hoping once I'm done with school, I'll be able to reconcile my two selves again; to take that time to mourn those who have passed. I hope to reflect and to heal. Until then, I fear that I cannot! I just slap a bandage on, and press forth! (Let's hope no arteries have been hit ...)